Lots has happened and changed since my last post, so be prepared for a flurry of posts to make up for the time lost!
Thanks again for those who are still following/subscribing.
- Huck
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I have just added the Google Translate tool to my blog. It is located in a new “Translate” box to the right. I am not sure if it is entirely accurate, but I figured it was better than nothing. Enjoy!
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Its 3:38am and I can’t sleep. My thoughts have been racing since the puppy I am babysitting woke me up at 2am. I have been heavily debating whether to make a real post about Thanksgiving at all, for fear that speaking the truth (or at least telling my experiences) would further alienate me from my family members. However, I ultimately decided to write freely if for no reason else (for which there are many) – it’s cathartic and right now I am anxious and can’t sleep.
This Thanksgiving I drove to my Uncle Pat and Aunt Joann’s house near Charlotte. My immediate family (mom, dad, brother, and sister) drove up from south Georgia and met me there, along with Pat’s kids (and thus some of my cousins) Andy, Kerry Ann, and Erin. This trip was the first time in six months that I have seen my immediate family and the first time in two years that I have seen portions of my extended family. I only got work off for Tuesday through Friday (Thursday being Thanksgiving Day) and my immediate family was planning on arriving sometime on Wednesday. After a few days of thought, I decided it would likely be better for me to arrive before my immediate family would get there because I knew Erin was supportive of me, and it would help me chill out a bit to be around a supportive family member.
Erin gets it, and it amazing. She’s finishing up her B.A. and took a course on transgender identities. When I got there Tuesday afternoon she showed me some of the readings for her course, and we talked a bit about things related to my trans-ness sporadically throughout the day. It was wonderful to be around her and see her willingness to be open minded. My cousin Andy treated like nothing was different, and avoided name and pronouns most of the visit (though he called me by my chosen name once on Tuesday). Kerry Ann didn’t show up until Wednesday, so I’ll talk about her when I talk about my immediate family arriving.
What I wasn’t expecting from Tuesday was for my Uncle Pat, and Aunt Joann to be so outwardly supportive too. Upon my arrival, everyone (Uncle Pat, Aunt Joann, and Erin were the only ones at the house) addressed me by my chosen name and made an effort to call me “he” (though I realize pronoun switching is the hardest portion of all of this for some people). My Uncle Pat seemed uncomfortable with the pronouns and tried to avoid them all together, but did address me by my chosen name, which made a huge difference, and seemed to become less awkward sounding as the day went on. I was very surprised by my Aunt Joann, because we had never had a conversation where I came out to her directly because I didn’t have her contact information, and honestly, I kind of forgot to hunt it down. Apparently Erin relayed the news, and helped Aunt Joann understand enough that she was beyond the basics. As soon as I got there she gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek and told me, “I am SO glad you came!”. Throughout the entire weekend she called me by my chosen name and correct pronoun (even in front of my parents when they were calling me by my birth name and assigned sex). Tuesday night, Erin, Joann, and I all got tipsy off some excellent wine, and on the couch, Joann began to ask me questions. I could tell she felt uncomfortable initially, but I was so relieved that she was trying to talk to me about it all that I happily answered her questions and started talking about my experiences.
Aunt Joann: So… your girlfriend.. I mean, does she know?
Me: Yeah, she knows. It’s great.
Aunt Joann: So she’s cool with it all?
Me: Absolutely!
Aunt Joann: Is she gay?
Me: No, not really. She’s bisexual, and has dated a transman before.
Aunt Joann: Wow… that’s so cool. *Deep thought, seemed shocked that someone could be that supportive of my identity*
Me: Yeah, to her, I’m just another guy.
Then we talked about how I was very nervous about my parents coming, and how I haven’t seen them in such a long time. She told me “Don’t worry, you are always welcome here, and we love you”. Which almost made me cry, I was so happy to hear someone say that to me.
Wednesday rolls around, and my immediate family shows up around three. My cousin Erin goes outside to greet them, and I stay inside nervously with Andy. I felt like I was about to puke. They lugg all their stuff in put it down, and everyone gives me a hug and then moves on. I don’t think my parents realized it, but it took them until the night to be able to even look me in the eyes. They were probably as nervous as I was, but it still really hurt. My brother and sister acted like nothing had changed and pretty indifferent to me all around which I figured would happen, but which also hurt. It seemed as if they didn’t even care that I was there (which I really hope is not actually true). Kerry Ann and her boyfriend showed up at night and they too called me by my birthname and “she”, but they put a huge effort into avoiding it. And at one point, when I was looking at the pies they brought, Kerry Ann put her arm around me and gave me a hug and told me, “I’m sorry I keep calling you [birthname]. It just keeps coming out. I promise I’m trying,”, which was another tear-jerker moment for me. I told her “No,no,no please don’t worry. You saying that makes a world of a difference and I understand it can be hard,”. That one comment from her made my night.
So Wednesday through Friday morning it was nothing but “she”, “she”, “she” and my birth name with my immediate family, which I pretty much expected. My brother and sister at least tried to avoid it at first, but that didn’t last for too long. What I wasn’t expecting was the sever effect it would have on me. By Friday morning I was feeling severely depressed, and by the time I was driving away in my car, I couldn’t keep thoughts of suicide out of my head. Hearing “she” just felt so soul achingly wrong that I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t do so because I knew it wouldn’t help. I know other trans people can relate to this. It’s the “I know you say you’re a man, but REALLY you’re a girl and you’ll ALWAYS be a girl, fyi” feeling. Makes me sick to my stomach.
When I left on Friday, everyone gave me hugs and said their I love you’s, but when Aunt Joann gave me a hug (which she ended up doing three or four times) she said “You are ALWAYS welcome here. Always. We will always love you, [chosen name], and I am so glad you decided to come,”. It’s wonderful having people in my family that are that supportive of me because it means I know I’ll have people who will come to my wedding (whenever I end up getting married in the future), and who will be there for me emotionally.
In the car, I couldn’t stop my thoughts from spiraling out of control out of my head. It took me 200 miles to figure out that the reason why I felt so upset.. It was that my parents (mother particularly, because my dad and I don’t know how to to talk to each other) tell me they are trying to understand it, and that it’s hard for them, and whatnot, but then when they see me, there’s no visible inkling of trying, no conversation about my trans-ness at all (not even a fight), no admittance that this is hard for the both of us, simply nothing. The silence is what got to me. I didn’t expect love from them, but I did expect to them to say something (to me), not just pretend like there was a pink elephant in the room that no one knew about (because remember, this whole time, my Aunt is consistently saying my chosen name and correct pronoun). That was like a cold slap in the face. And I am pretty sure my parents thought they were doing the right thing by pretending like I was their unchanged daughter. I would have rather had a fight because at least then we would have been talking, and admitting our feelings.
Because of the pain that caused me emotionally — the silence and hearing “she” and my birth name almost consistently (and sometimes it seemed even overdone) — I have little desire to visit home alone. If it weren’t for my supportive family members, this visit would have been a wreck, and I would never want to see anyone again. However, I love my family, and I am willing to keep trying with my parents, but I have to protect myself too. I can’t fake the fact that the way my parents treated me this weekend hurt. All I can do is hope that it improves with time. For my own sake, I’m just going to have to heavily space out my visits for now (unless my allies are there), and that makes me really sad.
I wish it didn’t have to be like this.
It’s now 5 am, and I can’t stop crying. I think it’s time for bed. Thank you everyone out there who reads this. My heart goes out to other trans folk who had trying family visits. And no one will ever know how much Erin, Andy, Kerry Ann, Uncle Pat and Aunt Joann’s actions and kind words this weekend truely made a difference in my life. Thank you.
((And now I’ll probably stay up all night fretting about what my parents are going to think when they read this….))
Update:: I am deprived of sleep, but feel much more emotional stable and better. Writing has helped, and I don’t plan on making any rash decisions, but I still am not too keen on the idea of visiting home alone anytime soon.
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If only there was a Black Friday sale for chest surgery. I’d be all over that shit.
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It could be worse. It’s good to see everyone!
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Well, technically it’s been a bit longer than that, but I’ve been slacking on posting due to life stresses and such.
Anyways! It was the 9 month mark on November 13th, 2009. Some minor changes have taken place, but it seems like things are slowing down. The two changes in the last month have been a thickening of body hair (and random darkening of facial hairs – yes, individual hairs) and growth of muscle mass, probably due to the fact that I do heavy lifting pretty much every day at work.
That’s it! Boring update, I know. So here’s two pictures!
This picture is from North Georgia when I went apple picking with my girlfriend.
I am making a ridiculous face here, but you can slightly see (in the left part of my face) the inklings of a dirt-satsh (aka- a very thin, dark hair line of where a mustache will eventually grow).
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This post is a bit late because a friend died the same week and her memorial service was the same day as this year’s Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) – November 20th.
TDOR is an annual event that memorializes those who died due to transgender related hatred or prejudice. This year, 143 people were murdered all over the world for being themselves (and these are only the murders that were reported as such). The International Transgender Day of Remembrance website lists the names, locations, date of death, and other information for those who passed away each year due to transgender related bias .
One listing from their website reads (warning, graphic):
Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado
Location: Cayey, Peurto Rico
Cause of Death: decapitated
Date of Death: November 14, 2009
Jorge was found on the site of an isolated road in the city of Cayey, he was partially burned, decapitated, and dismembered, both arms, both legs, and the torso.
Jorge was 19 years old.
Sources: http://www.365gay.com/news/murder-suspect-thought-puerto-rico-gay-teen-was-a-woman/
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2397832/hate_crime_gay_puerto_rican_teen_george.html
http://www.towleroad.com/2009/11/gay-puerto-rican-teen-decapitated-dismembered-and-burned.html
http://www.towleroad.com/2009/11/man-arrested-in-horrific-murder-of-puerto-rican-gay-teen.html
It has been really important to me in the past two years of being out to attend/participate in TDOR events. At my university last year, I was responsible for organizing the TDOR demonstration that was held on campus. This year, I attended the TDOR event in Atlanta, GA.
The event this year was two part, one indoor version with people speaking (very conference style), and the other was an outdoor candlelight vigil on the state capitol steps while each name was read aloud followed by the single chime of a bell.
This is a picture of me and my girlfriend at the Atlanta TDOR service.
It was a good service, but TDOR always gets me down. It’s like going to a funeral (and that particular day it was my second one). Not to mention I have some criticisms (surprise, surprise). For instance, NOTHING was said about how an overwhelming majority of the names called out were 1) trans women, 2) people of color, 3) from Central and South America. WTF. There was some serious white privilege going on at this event (or plain ignorance).
Dually, I was annoyed at the first portion of the event (the conference style) that failed to call to action change encompassing an intersection of oppressions – racism, classism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, abelism, ect – and instead took way too much time honoring and recognizing the multitude of politicians and faith leaders in the audience.
There was just too much that went unsaid and too much that needed to be said again. Our community faces this kind of violence as a whole, but as a COMMUNITY, we must also recognize that we all face this violence differently. Does being white protect me from transphobia? Maybe, maybe not. But it is my duty as a trans person and an ally to people of color to at least acknowledge (I would hope do more than just that) that the death statistics are overwhelmingly trans women who are people of color and who live in what our nation calls “third world countries” (fuck that phrase) and who likely are working class or sex workers (or may not have a job at all).
So listen close my trans friends and allies. Recognize the stats, and fucking call them out. Stop being an ally only to the trans portion of people’s identities, but start being an ally to the entire person.
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I finally got my confirmation letter from the newspaper in the mail, so the next day I headed to my county courthouse to make an appointment with the judge I was originally assigned.
The majority of this process was spent standing in lines. As soon as I spoke to the cashier and showed her the letter, she photocopied it, then sent me up to see the Calendar Clerk for my judge. I waited outside of her door for thirty minutes or so before working up the nerve to knock. Once she opened the door our conversation went like this:
Clerk: “Yes?”
Me: “I need to make an appointment with the judge.”
Clerk: “For what?”
Me: “Court.”
Clerk: “For. what.?”
Me: “A name change.”
Clerk: “Oh okay.”
I then walked in, told her my case number, and she opened up her calendar and said, “Okay, your appointment is January 21st at 8:30am”. She then proceeded to tell me about the process (show up with all the paperwork, sit in line, you’ll be called in one by one, and bring extra cash for multiple copies).
So, with all luck, I’ll have my name changed officially on January 21st of 2010!
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So I think its time that I start planning for chest surgery. I’d like to go ahead and “get it out of the way” so to speak. Especially since I am thinking about graduate school in the near future (and taking time off from grad school would not work out very well). Dually, I have accepted the fact that I don’t have bad credit, nor do I have a lot of debt, and it would not kill me to put the surgery costs on CareCredit (a medical credit card). I was wary of making such a leap into debt, but I feel like it would be a manageable debt to take, especially when I have the means to pay it off.
There are some things I need to figure out. First of all I need to think realistically about the timing. I highly doubt my parents would want to be present (if they didn’t want to come to my graduation, why would they come to this?), so I am looking for reliable friends that could take off a week from work/school/life to travel with me to the surgeon, see me through the process, and the first week of recovery on site. After a week, I am free to go home, but will still be unable to work for another two weeks or so. Which means, I need to make sure my work will let me take that much time off. Naturally, its going to be unpaid, but last I checked, they couldn’t fire me for having to take medical leave (especially if I get a letter from the surgeon and give them extreme advance notice).
FAMILY AND MEDICAL LEAVE ACT (GEORGIA)
The FMLA requires that employers with 50 or more employees, who are employed within a 75 mile radius, provide eligible employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave each year to care for a newborn or newly adopted or foster child; to care for a seriously ill child, spouse or parent; or because of the employee’s own illness. Employers may, under certain circumstances, require employees to take unpaid FMLA leave rather than accrued paid leave. It is, however, always the employer’s responsibility to designate whether an employee’s use of paid leave counts as FMLA leave, based on information provided by the employee and it is the employer’s responsibility to notify the employee of this designation.
I am also going to start stockpiling a lot of money, and working on making sure I have a buffer for funds in terms of rent/food/bills. Once my name change goes through, I’ll apply for the credit card, apply for EBT, and start locking down details on a potential surgery date.
I still feel like some kind of fluke will come up and everything will fall apart, but if I don’t try now, then I’ll never get it done.
Oh, and I think I have decided on going to Dr. Charles Garramone in South Florida. I like his results, I like his reputation of good care (friendliness, check up quality, ect), and I like his price – only $5,700 for all the fees.
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On September 28th, I filed my official name change documents with the courts. I showed up to the county courthouse, had to purchase the packet of forms (since my printer isn’t working), sat on the steps and filled them out, then took them to point A, B, and C and paid money for processing and publication. It took longer to complete the process than I thought it would, but for the most part, it was relatively easy.
Now I just wait 4-6 weeks and then I go appear in court before a judge, and (hopefully) my name will be officially changed. I am really nervous that something is going to screw up, and it won’t get approved. However, I do know other people that have filed for a name change in this district (and were trans) and got it approved by using the same reason I put down on the form. If you didn’t know already, the form requires you to give a “reason” for why you are changing your name. To avoid transphobic bullshit, its reccomended that you do not write down “because I am transgender” on the form (not to mention, that bit of information likely would be published in the paper right alongside your intentions to change your name). Thus, the majority of transgender people I know have had to come up with reasons that were equally valid and not suspicious. I chose to use “common usage” as my reason because it’s true. I am changing my name from my birth name to a name everyone knows me by (except my parents and siblings). I meet new people and that is the only name they associate with me. I use that name on every form (even job applications) unless the form asks for my social security number (in which case I legally must put my birth name).
I am still waiting… but once I receive the newspaper clipping in the mail, I have to go back to the courts, get a court date, and then show up before a judge to get the final approval. If its approved then, I recieved a notarized court document that states my name has legally be changed, and then I start the process of calling schools, banks, creditors, social security, my birth state, and everywhere else that my legal name is published, to get it changed over.
I went ahead and put in my name change because I realized that I want to apply for graduate school, and I do not want to apply for graduate school with my birth name. Dually I haven’t recieved my BA from my undergraduate university, and it would nice to have them not have to reprint it once I proceeded with a legal name change post-graduation.
I am tired of stalling certain aspects of my transition for others, especially when they are holding me behind in life. Its time to just do the changes that will make me happy, and hope that everyone adjusts to it in their own time. I can’t dictate my life around others anymore.
And coming to this decision, has been really difficult for me, but its about time.
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