Gendersaurus Rex

Today was the first day that I have been consistently read as male.

I was walking to lunch with a friend, and got stopped by a random stranger who wanted to pet my future guide dog puppy. The said stranger was on the phone, telling the other person about the puppy, and in her conversation, she said, “He says that the pup is only 8 weeks old!”.

Being gendered correctly doesn’t happen to me often. I am walking the gender line so frequently that I have gotten used to hearing “she” and “uhm..”. My day to day interactions with strangers tends to go like this:

[I walk into a restaurant and sit down with a female friend of mine]
[Waiter comes up, turns to friend] “What would you like to drink m’am?”
Friend: Water
[Turns to me] “And you sir?” (Though usually, just ‘and you?’)
Me: Diet Coke
[Waiter retrieves drinks, comes back] “Are you ladies ready to order?”

It seems as if people gender me correctly when I don’t say anything, but the second I open my mouth, they switch to female pronouns.

The interesting thing about this encounter with the stranger today is that she gendered me correctly when i was talking – something that hasn’t happened before. This same scenario happened a few times later in the day. Which means…that it wasn’t just a fluke. HOLY SHIT.

The concept of strangers perceiving my gender correctly has always seemed so far-fetched. and I have always thought of it in a way that makes me feel like it could never happen to me. I have been gender ambiguous for so long, that I often feel as if I will be stuck like that. Stuck having to deal with being gendered incorrectly 50% of the time. Stuck getting strange looks no matter what bathroom I use. Stuck getting “uhm..” and “er..” and other confusion when a stranger searches for the right pronoun to address me with.

While I am not being gendered correctly 100% by any stretch of the imagination, the fact that I am starting to experience itmore is telling. What does this mean for my queer feminist identity? What does this mean for my gender queer identity that I am still, to some degree, refusing to acknowledge? Logically, I know these identities will not dissolve with passing, but I can’t help but to mull over how they will inevitably be affected. Most notably, I will have to learn how to express my feminism in new ways, when before it was assumed (being an outspoken queer woman to society). I will face challenges, being male AND feminist that I wouldn’t have had to face being a woman.

It’s amazing how gender affects our lives in multiple ways and degrees. I thought I understood it before, but having lived it, I understand it better.

Filed under: All Posts, Language, Transition