Gendersaurus Rex

Here’s the letter I wrote to my parents. It is edited to protect some personal information about myself. Also, my thoughts on hormones/surgery and how I view my sense of self has changed slightly since then – for those who may notice discrepancies. I hope in posting this, that those out there who are currently drafting their own letters will find this helpful to read. I found most of my inspiration from a Youtube video of a transguy reading the letter he wrote aloud. So, I wanted to return the favor to the community. Enjoy.
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Mom, Dad,

Mom, I am sure this letter won’t come as a complete surprise to you as we have already briefly discussed this. Dad, I am sure this letter will shock you. However, I am sure you have both seen the signs. At first I thought I should get everything worked out on my own before I came to you. And to an extent I have done that. I was hoping I would have more definitive answers to offer (because this is very hard for me to put into words). I do want to go ahead and begin this conversation– a conversation about me being transgender.

Exploring who I am and who I want to be has been, and will surely continue to be, a long journey. I am feeling relieved that I have finally found a place of true comfort with myself– a level of understanding, acceptance and love that I have finally reached for myself. While it is a challenge in life to be true to yourself, I have come to know myself, who I have always been, and figured out the way in which I need to live my life to be happiest. This is a very tumultuous time for me, but also an exciting one because I have finally gotten to a place where I can be okay with myself– and not just okay– but for once, truly happy. I realize that as my parents, who love me and want the best for me, this may be very scary or hard. Sometimes it is scary and hard for me, too. The one thing that I can assure you is that the decision to live my life as male is coming from a place of true comfort with myself. My hope is that as a family we will be able to support each other. I have to admit that I’m not exactly sure what that would look like, but I am hopeful.

As you know, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. When I went away to college, I started therapy hoping to find the “root” of my depression. It has taken me years to understand that my gender has been where much of my unhappiness, nervousness, social awkwardness and fear have been originating from.

One of the reasons that I have been hesitant to discuss my gender identity with you up until now is that I feel like I may not have all of the answers you need. You may be wondering “why” I am transgender– wanting to know what happened that may have lead up to this. I feel stuck when I try to explain or address this “why” question. The truth is that this is not something that is caused by anything else. There is no definitive reason that I am trans while other people are not. Please know that trying to seek the “why” for myself is one of the main reasons I have been putting this off for so long. What I can say, is that struggling with my gender has been a life long issue for me. I have transgressed from viewing it is a problem that I needed to try to fix to coming to a place where I can accept that this is who I am. When I looked for “solutions” or “fixes” I tirelessly examined every possibility and forced myself to live in a way that made me feel trapped, unhappy and anxious. I have been in therapy for years, and recently have gotten into therapy with a gender specialist simply to work through this. I thought I would come out of this “fixed” but quickly realized that there is nothing I need to fix other than being more comfortable being myself. I am finished trying to pretend that being transgender is something that I can ignore or erase. I have to be more honest with myself. Being transgender is not something I can hold in – I have been doing that for too long and it has eaten me up inside, brining me so close to suicide that I would rather not think about it.

I know that I have come out to the two of you once before, and I suppose I am doing it again. I know how hard, and long of a process this can be for both me and you. Trust me if there was a way to make it any easier, I would. This time I am coming out as transgender. What this means to me is that I have tried throughout my life to be a girl and woman. It has always felt wrong. Even the times when it seemed to be “working” (like my hyperfeminine stint in high school), I was miserable on the inside. I had no words for it, and thought it was something that could be ignored and would just go away. For a long time that tactic worked. I got so good “faking it” that I fooled myself.

Approaching this from another angle, I spent years delving myself into feminist and LGBTQ academia. I tried to perceive myself as a defiant woman and take pride in how strong and outspoken I was. Being on the masculine end of the spectrum, people have always identified me as a butch lesbian. However, I was vehemently opposed to that label for reasons I never understood. I found myself always being offended by the label “lesbian” and struggled to find a new way to explain myself. However, I reluctantly accepted the label of “butch” because it was easier to explain than trying to explain that I didn’t feel like a butch woman at all. I really felt male, and have always felt male.

The concept of being transgender was unavailable to me growing up or when I was first coming into my own adulthood. I never had the words to explain the way that I felt about my gender which made me feel very disenchanted with myself. Always feeling like a “freak” within my own community– even within my own skin. However, now I realize that I am just me. And being transgender is, always have been, and always will be a part of that.

Gender has always been a source of anxiety for me. Every time I got dressed for school I felt like I was putting on a show. However, I didn’t have this feeling until I started to go to middle school. Up until then being a “tomboy” was okay and was the most comfortable thing for me. However, there got to be a point where wearing boys clothing, adopting boy nicknames, and doing boy things was no longer kosher with society. And it is here that my depression, self hatred, anxiety, and disenchantment with myself started. I tried to be more girly because I knew that is what everyone wanted. I knew it was the “right” thing. However, it was so painful and I found myself longing for the times when I could express myself freely again – to be who I really was.

I do now identify, and have always identified to some extent, as male. I am not comfortable being addressed by female pronouns or by my birth name. I have tried to remedy this by going by nicknames, initials, and even choosing another name all together. However, nothing felt right until I began to go by a male name and pronouns. I adopted the name “[Huck]” because it is Irish and makes me feel connected to the family. I understand this may seem hurtful, but I am in no way doing this to deceive you, belittle your wonderful contribution to my life as my parents, or somehow undermine your choice for my name. Actually, if you ever felt comfortable, I would love to offer the opportunity to be renamed by the both of you because I know how important it is for you both.

I know when hearing the word “transgender” you may immediately jump to the idea of surgeries and hormones. It is important to know that there are many ways to be transgender. Everyone has a different experience. I have thought about starting testosterone, and will most likely do that soon. However, I still have a lot more researching to do and I feel like I need to be on open, honest grounds with the both of you before I can consider making that step. As my parents who love me, the idea of me going on hormones may be upsetting or concerning. However, I feel like it is important to me to be honest with both of you about it because I love you and always want to have you both as a constant part of my life.

When I am on my own in [my town], I pass as male relatively consistently. I am confident in my identity and live as myself openly and safely. When I come home I try to dress, act, and present myself as female. I did not want to alienate anyone in the family or cause any hardships for anyone. I know how much everyone wants to see me when I come home and I really want all of you to have the “good time” that you desire. I thought I could keep dodging it and working around it, and for a while I did. However, I felt like I was leading a double life which brought upon feelings of shame, fear, and guilt. I knew it was bound to resurface but I guess I was just putting it off.

I am already out to all of my friends, teachers, boss, previous co-workers, girlfriend, and ex-girlfriends. I am also out to all of our cousins on Dad’s side. I sent them a letter through Facebook a few months ago because I really felt like I needed to come out to some of the family (and it went great), and I wasn’t ready to talk to you yet. The truth is, I was scared – terrified even – about telling you two. I was afraid you would no longer love me, would no longer want me to come home for family holidays, or would disown me all together. It is important to me to be out because I feel comfortable, true to myself, and like I am being honest with others.

I know it may be hard, but please understand that I am not searching for approval, but rather seeking your love. I know while you may not approve now, or approve even in the future, you will both still love me. I hope that regardless of how I express myself for who I am, I will still be able to be an active and welcomed part of the family. I hope that at least some day you will be able to respect this part of me. This is who I am and I feel good about it. I understand that it is a long hard road, but that road is less hard and despairing than the road of living my life as a lie. Being honest with myself and with others makes it that much more conquerable, even if I loose the friendship, love, and respect of some along the way. Simply having my identity respected, and still being loved is enough to make me have more strength and confidence in myself than I ever have in my life before.

Everything seems to be coming together for me. I assure you that I am happy about this. You have both known how much of a wreck I have been in the past two years. You have not known the full extent of it because I did not want to burden you with my sadness, depression, suicidal thoughts, or feelings of hopelessness. It wouldn’t have been fair to you. However, I hope in knowing that you love me and only want me to be happy, that you will find a way to see the solace, the happiness, and the confidence, accepting and expressing my true self has given me. I hope that somewhere down the line, by being true to myself and true to the family, we will, as a family, be able to become closer to each other. For some other families, something like this may be seen as “splitting the family”. My hope for us is that this may be an opportunity to even greater unification. Where by sharing my most vulnerable self, the real me, with you we can open doors for all honest and open communication between everyone in the family.

My biggest concern, of course, is loosing people closest to me, which is why I am going through such great lengths to tell you with as much compassion, caring and concern as I can. You two are invaluable to me. I cannot stress that enough. I have other support systems in place, but those will never compare to the love that you, as my parents, have given me. I hope to never loose it, and if I do, I assure you, I will be devastated. I am scared that you will look at me with disgust or shame. Especially you Dad…No matter what, I am still your child. I want you to see the positive affect that this could have on my life. I hope in time you will see how I have become much more real, present, and honest now that I have addressed my gender. I hope that you will not withhold yourselves or withdraw from me.

You may be concerned that I will be shutting doors with “this path” – that I will be compromising my life, myself, and my career. You have to understand that the world out there is much more accepting and accommodating than you may believe. I have encountered obstacles, but overall I have been pleasantly surprised.

This letter is difficult because I have been worried that you two will be the ones who disown me, unable to love me for me. People who have seen me go through the early stages of the process and to come to where I am now have said that I have come out of my shell, gaining more confidence with myself and thus more confidence in every day life. I hope that you will see that I am at home with myself and finally loving myself. I hope that you will see this is something I have to go through in order to get to the rest of my life. Please know that this process is just as hard as it is for me as it is for you.

I imagine that this will be the first of many discussions between us about this. I am ready to talk to you about this when you are. I understand you may want some time to think, absorb, and process and that this will be a long road together. However, this is not something that will go away if it is ignored or not discussed. So I hope that you will approach it with the intention for reaching a better understanding of me and a common desire to reconnect. Please take your time and get back to me when you are ready. In the mean time, remember that I love you both, and want you to always be a part of my life, including what I am going through now.

I will be waiting to talk when you are ready.

Love,
[birthname]/[Huck]

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