Graduation
Yesterday, my mom called me back about an email I sent her a while ago. I was telling her about how I decided (rather last minute) to walk for graduation. Instead of walking with the larger university ceremony (where they would use my legal name, and I would spend hours waiting for my name to be called, to still not receive a diploma since I am graduating this summer) I decided to walk in Lavender Graduation, which is the LGBT Resource Center’s graduation ceremony.
I want to walk in Lavender Graduation for a number of reasons — they will use my preferred name and pronouns, the ceremony will be smaller and more personal (with a slideshow!), Diego Sanchez is our keynote speaker, and the ceremony would include all of my friends and colleagues who have been there for me through the roughest times (coming out…again). I was also thinking about speaking.
So back to the parents.. I sent them an email hoping for the best, but knowing the answer I would get. My mom said that my dad couldn’t come because it wasn’t enough time to get off work. Then she said that she couldn’t come either (which I expected), but elaborated that her reason is that it would be too painful and sad for her to hear everyone call me by my preferred name/pronoun. She went on to say that she is proud of me, but would be too sad if she went. Being a day of celebration “she didn’t want to bring me down”. Essentially, she doesn’t want to be there because she can’t handle me being me yet.
I understand where she is coming from, but I still was extremely upset and shocked. I can’t believe she is skipping a major life event of mine because she can’t suck up hearing the truth for a day. I will probably be the only one at graduation without any family members or friends from out of town attending. Now, I have to go back and change my graduation form’s “Number of Guests” from “2″ to “0″.
I need to bottle up this occurrence so that I can finish my thesis in three weeks, secure a job in the midst of the failing economy, navigate a move to a new town, and graduate. All this, while trying not to be depressed, and remaining a leader in the social justice movement. Is it possible? Sometimes, like today, I think not.
My friends keep asking me if I am ok, and I put on a nice face and say “fine” just to keep myself from emotionally crumbling down.
I am really getting worn out from feeling not emotionally supported by my family. I understand they need time to come around, but I also need support. I wish there was a way for them to meet me half way. The longer the time goes by without the emotional support that I used to have, the more bitter I feel, and the faster I look for it elsewhere.
I wonder what will happen if I get married. Will my parents skip the wedding too?
Filed under: All Posts, Transition
I know it’s not the same, but I bet I know a few not-so-DNA-related family members that wouldn’t miss it for anything. Even if you wanted to be called something horribly long that we were all sure to mispronounce and wanted to walk backward across the stage in pink-tights with our faces on your rear.
Sometimes, support doesn’t come where or when we’d like it to come from and fortunately (or unfortunately … depending on too much to summarize in this parenthetical subset) that provides us with a chance for self-reliance, new friends, and some ever-important self love.
Recognize that she is proud of you. Remember that. Bask in how lucky you are to have that expressed and acknowledged. I know how deeply it hurts and how hard it can be, but please DON’T focus on the negative. Reframe this for yourself.
You are loved for who you are and what you have accomplished; for what you do everyday and for who you are to everyone around you.
*hugs*
Besides, graduation parties are so much better without your parents there
(no offense to any parents …)
I’m very sorry to hear this. Like you, I unfortunately understand where they are coming from, but it’s still a shock and must be incredibly difficult to deal with.
That said, when is your graduation? I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to make it (particularly if it’s on the same weekend as mine), but I would love to try.
It was soooooo, soo, sooo, good to see you again over the weekend. I can’t imagine not being there to support you. I know too much how you feel. To be honest, the massive, and i do mean, MASSIVE hug you gave me was amazing. I’m beginning to feel like we are both growing up as brother and sister, and I wouldn’t miss your graduation for anything. Let me know when and where. I’ll be there.
i wish i could be there for your graduation. but i think what Courticus said about sometimes support not coming from where you want/need it, when you want/need it resulting in an opportunity to gather support from new friends and from within yourself is gold. it’s so true. and agreeing with Courticus again, do hold in your heart that your mom is proud of you as a person, as her child. your whole family is proud of you and we all love you, huck. your parents just need some time to get used to what they’re perceiving as the “new” you (although, to you, it’s the “you” you’ve always been and can finally openly be), but it is new to your parents who have known you as [birthname] forever. they will adjust with time and support you fully, i’m sure of it. transitions are the hardest part, but it will pass. anyway, congrats on your graduation; take pictures, and we love you, [last name] style!
I have tried very hard to understand my daughter’s/Huck’s transition…to include reading this blog on a regular basis (which is painful…but I am trying). My question, since we are all adults now, is why couldn’t Huck “suck it up” for one day and let her parents hear her birthname (they name of the daughter they have loved , raised and supported for 22 years) as she graduated with a degree that they paid for? It seems that the parents feelings are of little concern when a person decides to transition. I am sorry that Huck thinks I rained on her one day but Huck has rained on and redefined the rest of our lives. As a parent my whole world has changed…looking at pictures of my daughter just leaves me feeling sad that we raised a daughter only now to have that taken away. I love Huck and will always be proud of her but I am not ready to accept Huck as a male….perhaps I will be able to accept it in the future but not after only 5 months!! Huck’s family (contrary to her belief) respects her right to do what she wants and what makes her happy but that does not mean that we automatically have to be “on board” with that decision or put ourselves in situations that cause us pain…like the LGBT graduation ceremony. We also have feelings that need to be respected and honored. I love you Huck and I have tried to emotionally support you through phone calls, money, goody boxes…I am trying!!!…you need to try also….this will take a long time to adjust to for your whole family so do not expect it to happen on your timeline. I am pleased you have good friends and cousins that can be there for you as a male…you are blessed. With all my love always…Mom
I’m so, so, SO proud of you! I wish I lived closer so I could be there for you. <333333
No names are called during the University graduation! And no one walks across the stage. Each individual school is acknowledged by it’s dean and all the graduates stand together to be recognized. It would be so crazy if they had to call each individual student across the stage! So, given this information, maybe you’d like to participate in the summer commencement ceremony. Bet it would be a proud moment!
I realized that a bit to late for registering to walk! And yes, I might be interested in participating in the summer ceremony. I will have to go check on when it is! Thanks for the information!