The Things They Don’t Tell You
A recent conversation in a quaint coffee shop has led me to write this entry. Appropriately titled, this entry will be a mini-discussion of things I did not know going into physical transition.
I feel like the most underestimated part of transition is the process of adjustment that I went through. Naturally, if your body is changing, you have to adjust. However, its not that simple. When I finally came out, I had to adjust to hearing my “new name” called. The sound of it, lingering the air was foreign, yet welcome. After twenty years of being called a variety of names that never fit, I got used to the sensation of being at odds with my name. In short, hearing the name that I wanted to be called aloud was so right it was uncomfortable.
Similarly, starting Testosterone has created a whole new odd experience. I absolutely love the way in which my body is changing and has changed. However, it has taken me until recently to adjust to seeing myself in the mirror – myself the way I always envisioned, but never saw reflected. Again, I was used to seeing an image I was at odds with, and having my body reflect myself finally was almost dreamlike for a long time. Now, when I look in the mirror, or glance at myself while walking past a store window, I am not jolted by seeing me but rather sure that the reflection is indeed me (and not simply my imagination anymore).
My relationship with whether or not to come out, be out, or opt for stealth-ness has shifted a lot recently. For instance, in situations where I am a patient in a hospital, I am less willing to be out than when I am training doctors in a transgender healthcare workshop. Unfortunately, I have to be out in patient-doctor situations for the mere fact that they always ask that fucking question of “When was the last day of your menstrual cycle?” to which I have to answer “Oh lord… February?”. To which they ask why, and I reply with being on T, to which they ask why again… and you know. I could make up some bullshit, but I’d rather just tell them that I am transgender and deal with the fall out or affirming relationship accordingly.
I have no regrets, but I certainly do not think that I realized how complicated things could be after being on T for a while and passing consistently. Pre-T, I was very visibly genderqueer, so people weren’t surprised when they found out my government assigned gender via the name on my card when paying for food, or the “F” on my records at school, or the medical history in my records at the doctor office – probably partially because it answered the “which pronoun should I use?” question for them. Having quite the girly birthname has thrown up more road blocks and awkward moments than I ever anticipated it would. I certainly do not have the means to change my gender marker on my government documents, and I am not sure if I even want to either, but as soon as I get dropped from my parent’s insurance (December) I am putting in my name change so I can put a stop to having to explain things when people give me that “what?” look after reading “GIRLYmcGIRLYFACE” on my IDs and records. Honestly, I am okay with being trans and I am okay with being out, but sometimes I just want to pay for a fucking meal without having to deal with some phobic bullshit.
Oh, and didn’t anticipate sometimes missing being a girl. I am so much happier now, with me being me, but sometimes I miss my years as a femme-y girl in the similar way that I miss being in the symphony. I never thought I would, but the nostalgia is really okay.
If you have anything that you think you didn’t know or anticipate about coming out/beginning physical or social transition, feel free to leave your story in the comments. I am interested to hear what others have experienced too.
Filed under: All Posts, Cultural Analysis, Transition
when i started HRT, i had done lots of research about, you know, how it works and what it does, chemically, scientifically.
but i had internalized so much transphobia that i was terrified of actually reading about the experience, and so i knew goddamn nothing about it. it was shocking, when i finally did it, the things that happened to me, the experiences that happened, with my body, out in public, transitioning at work, etc etc.
in fact i don’t think it was until i read Whipping Girl that i ever read someone’s story that echoed my own.
i guess i’m saying that i relate to this hard.
@emily:
I wish I had done lots of research on the scientific effects of hormones, but honestly I was a bit too afraid to see what I was missing out on at the time. I really wanted to know how to pass as male in society and things I could do to help with that while I was questioning (you know, this is after I finally ditched my internalized transphobia and came out). I think I was just scrambling for something to make me feel better – even if it was just slightly better.
Thanks for relating, its good to know I’m not alone.
@Huck,
I can definitely relate to you on the name subject (since I haven’t started HRT, I can’t quite give an true description of my experiences). Being in such an accepting circle of friends willing to use my chosen name without question, I got used to it. Nobody had ever called me by my first name regularly, and after the initial confusion wore off, I loved being accepted as Nicole. Then, when moving back home, I got jolted back into boyname mode with my family, which really sucked. Almost weekly, I would be around two completely groups of people, and I would have to become accustomed to either name based on who I was around. Being called by my birth name usually put me in a bad mood and definitely effected how I interacted with others. I would get used to one name, then have to answer to another all of the sudden. It’s definitely a strange experience moving on to another name, and like you said, it feels so good it’s uncomfortable.
I would love to be able to relate to you on the ‘mirror’ part of your story, but frankly, I’m not there yet. Hopefully one day I will. I get the sense that your experiences are shared among many people, though. I know I can relate to a lot of your thoughts already, despite being stuck in transition purgatory.
Also, good to see you back posting. And I’m totally stealing your phrase, “girlymcgirlyface.”
There were not too many things that came up that I hadn’t expected, since I was soooo excited to start T. I don’t ID as genderqueer tho, and I could not wait for any “girl” cues to be shed as quickly as possible. I guess I was surprised at how quickly my dick changed! But I had expected that already…
I’m interested in your choice of language about “missing being a girl.” Do you feel like you were a girl and are not any longer? Is that an identity you don’t feel you can claim now that you’re on T?
Trans communities can be various in the ways we talk about our histories… that is, I could never feel like I can say I “miss” being a girl since I never was a girl. Though I don’t miss this at all, I guess I could imagine saying I miss being seen/treated/etc. as a girl. Just interested in what your specific thing that you miss is.