Thanksgiving Pt. 2
Its 3:38am and I can’t sleep. My thoughts have been racing since the puppy I am babysitting woke me up at 2am. I have been heavily debating whether to make a real post about Thanksgiving at all, for fear that speaking the truth (or at least telling my experiences) would further alienate me from my family members. However, I ultimately decided to write freely if for no reason else (for which there are many) – it’s cathartic and right now I am anxious and can’t sleep.
This Thanksgiving I drove to my Uncle Pat and Aunt Joann’s house near Charlotte. My immediate family (mom, dad, brother, and sister) drove up from south Georgia and met me there, along with Pat’s kids (and thus some of my cousins) Andy, Kerry Ann, and Erin. This trip was the first time in six months that I have seen my immediate family and the first time in two years that I have seen portions of my extended family. I only got work off for Tuesday through Friday (Thursday being Thanksgiving Day) and my immediate family was planning on arriving sometime on Wednesday. After a few days of thought, I decided it would likely be better for me to arrive before my immediate family would get there because I knew Erin was supportive of me, and it would help me chill out a bit to be around a supportive family member.
Erin gets it, and it amazing. She’s finishing up her B.A. and took a course on transgender identities. When I got there Tuesday afternoon she showed me some of the readings for her course, and we talked a bit about things related to my trans-ness sporadically throughout the day. It was wonderful to be around her and see her willingness to be open minded. My cousin Andy treated like nothing was different, and avoided name and pronouns most of the visit (though he called me by my chosen name once on Tuesday). Kerry Ann didn’t show up until Wednesday, so I’ll talk about her when I talk about my immediate family arriving.
What I wasn’t expecting from Tuesday was for my Uncle Pat, and Aunt Joann to be so outwardly supportive too. Upon my arrival, everyone (Uncle Pat, Aunt Joann, and Erin were the only ones at the house) addressed me by my chosen name and made an effort to call me “he” (though I realize pronoun switching is the hardest portion of all of this for some people). My Uncle Pat seemed uncomfortable with the pronouns and tried to avoid them all together, but did address me by my chosen name, which made a huge difference, and seemed to become less awkward sounding as the day went on. I was very surprised by my Aunt Joann, because we had never had a conversation where I came out to her directly because I didn’t have her contact information, and honestly, I kind of forgot to hunt it down. Apparently Erin relayed the news, and helped Aunt Joann understand enough that she was beyond the basics. As soon as I got there she gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek and told me, “I am SO glad you came!”. Throughout the entire weekend she called me by my chosen name and correct pronoun (even in front of my parents when they were calling me by my birth name and assigned sex). Tuesday night, Erin, Joann, and I all got tipsy off some excellent wine, and on the couch, Joann began to ask me questions. I could tell she felt uncomfortable initially, but I was so relieved that she was trying to talk to me about it all that I happily answered her questions and started talking about my experiences.
Aunt Joann: So… your girlfriend.. I mean, does she know?
Me: Yeah, she knows. It’s great.
Aunt Joann: So she’s cool with it all?
Me: Absolutely!
Aunt Joann: Is she gay?
Me: No, not really. She’s bisexual, and has dated a transman before.
Aunt Joann: Wow… that’s so cool. *Deep thought, seemed shocked that someone could be that supportive of my identity*
Me: Yeah, to her, I’m just another guy.
Then we talked about how I was very nervous about my parents coming, and how I haven’t seen them in such a long time. She told me “Don’t worry, you are always welcome here, and we love you”. Which almost made me cry, I was so happy to hear someone say that to me.
Wednesday rolls around, and my immediate family shows up around three. My cousin Erin goes outside to greet them, and I stay inside nervously with Andy. I felt like I was about to puke. They lugg all their stuff in put it down, and everyone gives me a hug and then moves on. I don’t think my parents realized it, but it took them until the night to be able to even look me in the eyes. They were probably as nervous as I was, but it still really hurt. My brother and sister acted like nothing had changed and pretty indifferent to me all around which I figured would happen, but which also hurt. It seemed as if they didn’t even care that I was there (which I really hope is not actually true). Kerry Ann and her boyfriend showed up at night and they too called me by my birthname and “she”, but they put a huge effort into avoiding it. And at one point, when I was looking at the pies they brought, Kerry Ann put her arm around me and gave me a hug and told me, “I’m sorry I keep calling you [birthname]. It just keeps coming out. I promise I’m trying,”, which was another tear-jerker moment for me. I told her “No,no,no please don’t worry. You saying that makes a world of a difference and I understand it can be hard,”. That one comment from her made my night.
So Wednesday through Friday morning it was nothing but “she”, “she”, “she” and my birth name with my immediate family, which I pretty much expected. My brother and sister at least tried to avoid it at first, but that didn’t last for too long. What I wasn’t expecting was the sever effect it would have on me. By Friday morning I was feeling severely depressed, and by the time I was driving away in my car, I couldn’t keep thoughts of suicide out of my head. Hearing “she” just felt so soul achingly wrong that I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t do so because I knew it wouldn’t help. I know other trans people can relate to this. It’s the “I know you say you’re a man, but REALLY you’re a girl and you’ll ALWAYS be a girl, fyi” feeling. Makes me sick to my stomach.
When I left on Friday, everyone gave me hugs and said their I love you’s, but when Aunt Joann gave me a hug (which she ended up doing three or four times) she said “You are ALWAYS welcome here. Always. We will always love you, [chosen name], and I am so glad you decided to come,”. It’s wonderful having people in my family that are that supportive of me because it means I know I’ll have people who will come to my wedding (whenever I end up getting married in the future), and who will be there for me emotionally.
In the car, I couldn’t stop my thoughts from spiraling out of control out of my head. It took me 200 miles to figure out that the reason why I felt so upset.. It was that my parents (mother particularly, because my dad and I don’t know how to to talk to each other) tell me they are trying to understand it, and that it’s hard for them, and whatnot, but then when they see me, there’s no visible inkling of trying, no conversation about my trans-ness at all (not even a fight), no admittance that this is hard for the both of us, simply nothing. The silence is what got to me. I didn’t expect love from them, but I did expect to them to say something (to me), not just pretend like there was a pink elephant in the room that no one knew about (because remember, this whole time, my Aunt is consistently saying my chosen name and correct pronoun). That was like a cold slap in the face. And I am pretty sure my parents thought they were doing the right thing by pretending like I was their unchanged daughter. I would have rather had a fight because at least then we would have been talking, and admitting our feelings.
Because of the pain that caused me emotionally — the silence and hearing “she” and my birth name almost consistently (and sometimes it seemed even overdone) — I have little desire to visit home alone. If it weren’t for my supportive family members, this visit would have been a wreck, and I would never want to see anyone again. However, I love my family, and I am willing to keep trying with my parents, but I have to protect myself too. I can’t fake the fact that the way my parents treated me this weekend hurt. All I can do is hope that it improves with time. For my own sake, I’m just going to have to heavily space out my visits for now (unless my allies are there), and that makes me really sad.
I wish it didn’t have to be like this.
It’s now 5 am, and I can’t stop crying. I think it’s time for bed. Thank you everyone out there who reads this. My heart goes out to other trans folk who had trying family visits. And no one will ever know how much Erin, Andy, Kerry Ann, Uncle Pat and Aunt Joann’s actions and kind words this weekend truely made a difference in my life. Thank you.
((And now I’ll probably stay up all night fretting about what my parents are going to think when they read this….))
Update:: I am deprived of sleep, but feel much more emotional stable and better. Writing has helped, and I don’t plan on making any rash decisions, but I still am not too keen on the idea of visiting home alone anytime soon.
Filed under: All Posts, Transition
i know i might write a blog entry about my visit home soon, but i’m not sure. at least i know that i don’t have family reading it, and that helps, so maybe.
i relate to this—all this. i have had one of the most awkward but amazing holidays this year. and last year, nobody around me even tried. when i visited home, it was as if my entire identity had been washed away wholesale, with nobody even to remember who i had been, and it hit me hard. for weeks after getting home, i had some of the worst thoughts and feelings. and i knew i couldn’t ever go back, at least not without help. (btw, if you ever need a queer buddy for a home visit, i’d go.)
i ended up with this feeling that i had to cut out my family completely, and i tried to.
i came down this year to get some stuff, and things had changed a lot since last year. i think my family just realized i really would stay away forever if i had to, and decided they didn’t want that. my sister constantly says she misses me, and my mom, and they’ve all discussed what it takes to bring me here and make me okay with it.
and it’s all out in the open this time. and EVERYbody is trying. sometimes they mess up. but they’re all trying. it’s so weird. it just took some time i think.
bottom line is, it’s tough right now, and it might continue to be tough, but with time, i bet it gets better.
@Emily It’s really great to hear from you about this. Its good to know that your parents and everyone are all trying now, and I can only hope that in a year or two my immediate family does the same. That would make me the happiest guy on the planet.
I don’t want to cut my family totally out of my life, but I don’t think I can muster up going home any time soon, or regularly, until something changes. I’m sure some will say that I am asking too much by doing that, but if this is how I’m going to feel when I go home, then I just CAN’T do it regularly.
Shit is tough now, and I don’t expect it to change any time soon, but I need to find the balance between visiting to keep connections open and not visiting too much right now. It really sucks.
hi huck, thank you for posting this; i hope it helped you too to let some of these feelings out. im so glad erin was there, occasionally, her and i will speak of your situation and i know she’s always been 100% supportive of you from the very start. i’ve haven’t met aunt joann yet, but i can’t wait to, she sounds amazing!
im sorry to hear how awkward and painful it was when your parents and siblings were there; i know your sister would have a hard time accepting things, but i thought your brother may have been more understanding of it; i know he was supportive of you when you first came out back in HS.
i know what you mean about rather having a fight about it than feeling forced (on both sides) to keep your emotions inside. i know your mom loves you very much and is having a hard time with this, but i think maybe the best thing to do is just bite the bullet, call her, and tell her how much everything hurt you on thanksgiving. just be totally honest with her, and maybe that will allow her to be totally honest with you. it may end up being a big fight, but i think it will pave room for some mutual healing to begin. i dont think it’s a good idea to isolate yourself from them; i understand how awkward and hard it might be to go home to visit for a while, but i think you should def call a lot and encourage them to be honest with you. if youre willing, maybe you can come to an agreement that maybe they’ll never FULLY understand your situation (i honestly dont know if they ever will), but can at least respect it and love you just the same, even if you want to be called “he” or “him.” i consider myself very liberal and open-minded and respectful of other’s decisions, and it’s hard for me to understand how someone can be so resistive to them, but it is important to keep in mind that they grew up in an age when it was totally taboo to be as much as gay, or a feminine guy, etc. to be honest, i know my dad sometimes has a hard time understanding it too, but he does remain respectful towards your decision. i think he can relate to your parents pov better than you or i can. once in a while, if i show him your pic or bring you up, he’ll say “do you think huck made the right decision in all of this?” he admits he’d have a hard time if it was his “daughter’ that had been in your shoes. but he always refers to you as huck, and really does start to understand when i explain things to him again – it just seems like he needs more frequent reminding of why. my mom is totally 100% supportive of you i think. and you know i am, always have been, and always will be.
i really think that with your family, things are going to stay “elephant in the room” until you initiate the “fight” or discussion or whatever it turns out to be, and it’ll take a lot of bravery to do that, and a lot of healing time. it may even help to be surrounded by supportive people while you’re on the phone, or certainly at least afterwards. i know your parents love you and will start respecting your feelings and trying to make you happy eventually, hopefully sooner than later.
i’m sorry this was so long and rambling. just never forget how many friends and family you have that love you and support you, and that your immediate family loves you very much and will become supportive of you. any time you need anything, never hesitate to call. i love you very much!!!
@Huck: Sounds like you were *exactly* where I was a year ago, and it hurt. And I just *knew* I couldn’t ever go back alone. Just a year made such a difference. My mom really pushed: “If we don’t try, she won’t ever come back, and we’ll push her away.” And everybody got on board.
Now I want to bring a friend with me just to show how awesome it all is. You should visit me next holiday you’re in your hometown and I’m in mine.
Well this is “huck’s” sister. It is just utterly amazing to me reading this blog. The thing people do not understand is how much this can rip a family apart and break their heart. The SISTER you have known your whole life suddenly decides that she does not want to be your sister again. SHE is so dissatisfied in herself that she has to change HERself. I was totally ok with the lesbian thing, but to change yourself just does not make sense to me. Why can you not be happy with who you are?? We have had a previous conversation when huck came out that he/she was lesbian and i was totally cool with that. Whatevr makes you happy. She then explained to me all the different things you can be. At that time we disscussed transgender and i asked if she was and she firmly said NO and now she claims shes felt this way her whole life?? She/he gets mad when you say she but do you honestly expect me to call you HE?? or your chosen name?? that is not the person i know. The cousins and extended family are more excepting bc its not their sister. They don’t have to deal with it and experience it like we have. You say that we did not ask and did not care. You are selfish. Thats what i have to say. If you are so concerned about talking about it, why did you not start the conversation?!? We were ALL trying to be loving and accepting of YOU, who we still know you to be but obviously i dont know this person anymore and if you would just rather me stop talking to you and seeing you at all, then i can make that happen. That would be a whole lot easier than crying every night over my broken family and loss sibling.
P.S. You know, i am just furious right now. We told her ahead of time that we WILL NOT call her by he and her chosen name so why would you expect different? Suicide is THE MOST selfish thing YOU could EVER do. Do NOTTTTT put that on your family. You have known what to expect. We love you and always will and we have told you that many times. I do not love your decisions but i do love you and this whole thing makes me want to puck. Mom is so upset right now. You make out to be unloving, unaccepting people but you are so mistaken. You are just wallowing in your problems.
You dont even have the guts to talk to your family about any of this. You just bash us and write all these horrible things on this blog. How about saying it to our face huck????
@sister You and everyone else grow up thinking one thing, and then your ideas change. People change, every single day. It’s not natural for things to be static. How is it selfish to express how you truly feel? Do you think that Huck did this purely to pull your family apart? It’s not like being trans is an easy option: why would anyone choose it, if it didn’t feel right in their very core?
I get that it’s hard to deal with a member of your family changing their identity/finally telling you how they really identify once they realize it, but you also said that you love Huck. I don’t think it’s possible to truly love someone without accepting them and respecting them, which in this case includes trying to adapt to calling them by different pronouns and a different name. You say you told him ahead of time that you would not use his desired pronouns: it is downright disrespectful and unloving to expressly go against someone’s wishes to be called something else, no matter how hard it might be to you. Regardless of how Huck identifies gender-wise, this is still the same sibling you are talking about. The same person. So why couldn’t you show some love while you were there, instead of getting angry about feelings that are hard to air, especially during a holiday? It’s hard for both sides to initiate a conversation. I know Huck wanted to talk about things, but if you react like this to a blog post (which after writing, he subsequently stayed up, unable to sleep because of nerves about what his family might think, fyi) how would you have reacted in person?
I’m sorry to jump in the middle of this. Maybe it’s not my place, but I’m affected by the discord between Huck and your family too. I wish you could see how upset Huck gets when things go wrong between you. And I wish that you could see that blaming Huck for breaking your family apart is only going to push him further away.
Sister,
Let me start this with I love you. I understand you must be frustrated and angry and hurt being caught in the middle of all of this. That must really suck for you, and I am sorry you have to go through that.
Now, listen close. It is not MY responsibility to control your feelings (or mom’s or dad’s or our brother’s). You, and you alone are responsible for your reactions and your actions.
You call me selfish, but I think it is incredibly selfish of you to assume that I must be the person to always initiate a conversation about being transgender. Why would I do that, when my sister, who I thought was a loving and caring Christian, is sending me flaming messages on my blog? Why would I try and talk to you when you are obviously unwilling to listen? Why would I try and explain anything to you when you can’t even ask yourself? All you do is react. It’s your fault as much as its mine, Sister.
You said in your comment, “We love and always will and we have told you many times,” but Sister, you cannot ever truely love someone without loving ALL of them. You know this. You know that God teaches that you must love the sinner not to sin. If you can love every portion of a person who is a sinner, then why are you picking and choosing your love with me?
If you love me, you will learn to accept me. FOR ME. For who I am. For who I have always been. I am sorry I “firmly said NO” that Thanksgiving when you asked, but I was scared of what everyone would think if I said “yes”. And you know you would still think as poorly of me then as you do now anyways. Don’t lie.
As for the “broken family” bit. The only people “tearing this family apart” is you all. You are the ones that cannot accept it, cannot handle it, cannot fathom it, cannot deal with it. I have expressed my feelings on my blog, not made a judgment call on you, or anyone else. I have NEVER pushed you away, but rather you ran. I’m still here, and despite the fact that it is really difficult to be the family scapegoat (since apparently everyone is convinced that it is all my fault and that it is my responsibility to fix your feelings) I keep trying to make amends.
Why did you never send me a message? Why are you so hostile? You blame me, but you really have no one to blame but yourself.
I hope one day you get to a point where we can discuss this. Where you ask questions. Where I actually feel comfortable telling you everything you want to know. I’ll always be yours sister, and I am sorry that I am not a girl.
With Love,
Huck
I love you now, I loved you then, and I will always be on your side. You’re my hero, Huck. *hugs*
I’m so sorry to hear you have to go through this, Huck. But I’m overjoyed to know you’ve got family who validates and loves you just for who you are. Please please please know that you would be terribly missed if you ever hurt yourself. You’re such a beautiful, vibrant person, and I just know the future holds great things for you! If you ever randomly need someone to vent to, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me…I know we don’t talk a lot, AND THIS DOES NOT MATTER ONE BIT. Seriously.
Much love, brother. Never forget– you’ve got people! <3
The exchange between Huck and his sister breaks my heart.
To Huck’s sister-
We all grow up with expectations for the people around us. It’s not wrong that you had a very different idea for what life would be like for your family. It’s completely natural to feel a sense of loss and even anger for your life not unfolding the way you expected it to.
Here’s the good news: the person you love is still there. If you loved your sibling’s sense of humor, it’s still there. If you were proud of your sibling’s caring interactions with other people, you sibling is still deeply caring. Huck’s life may be different from what you expected, but his character is still there. Huck is hard working, treats people respectfully, and has a solid sense of integrity. These qualities have not changed. Huck is also a rare kind of person who feels an internal sense that he can change the world for the better. You have a good deal to be proud of. Furthermore, even if you are highly uncomfortable with Huck’s gender, you can be proud that he is trying to live a life as true to who he is as possible. How many of us struggle to gather up the courage to live a life that feels true to ourselves? I think we all do. Huck is remarkable. You could even draw strength from Huck’s courage.
Even more good news: You have the power to change this story from that of a broken family to a family that rallied around each other, decided to love fiercely, decided to get down in the trenches together and work out some hard stuff. You can change this story. Of course you get to hurt and feel angry for life unfolding in a way that is unexpected. You also get to decide to move forward.
I hope you do decide to move forward.
Huck’s Roommate
Ok, first off I want to start off by sayin that I am sorry for responding in fleshly fleshly anger last night. I was quite upset, as an normal person would be if they read that about their family.
Girlfriend and Huck- What you and my sister/brother need to first understand is what i meant when I said “rip my family apart” or “broken family”. I do not mean as a whole. I mean individually. My sister/brother nor anyone or anything could ever tear us apart as a whole but individually we are all hurting from this. I do not think yall stop and take the time to realize that you’re not the only one crying and having a hard time. Next, our definition of love, respect, and accept is obvioudly quite different. Mine is based on a biblical view, i do not have to know everything and accept everything a person does in order to love them. I am loving the sinner and not the sin. What that means is that I love you but I do not love your decision to be transgender. Please do not pull the Christian card on me Huck. You are just contradicting yourelf because I am trying to be as Christ like as I can and maybe you just need to refresh yourself on the Bible but I AM human and I do make mistakes. People think christians are suppose to be these perfect people but wake up, they arent. To the Girlfriend, you said “it is downright disrespectful and unloving to expressly go against someone’s wishes”- another contradiction. Isnt that exactly what Huck is doing to my parents? And also you were not there at Thanksgiving, I showed her/him love and hugged her/him and talked to her/him. We never once talked about it or got angry about it so I have no clue why you wrote “So why couldn’t you show some love while you were there, instead of getting angry about feelings that are hard to air, esp during a holiday?” Thank you for agreeing with me bc that is exactly what I was saying to Huck. Did you even read what Huck wrote before I commented? I did not just come out with all that stuff, it was in response to hat she said and that was exactly my point. Huck said we were wrong for not bringing it up and that she/he wouldve rather argued than said nothing at all but personally I would like to enjoy my Thanksgiving esp since we were only there about 24 hrs, why would i want to fight? You also said “I know Huck wanted to talk about things, but if you react like this to a blog post how would you have reacted in person? Well, obviously you do not know me. I am not someone who gets angry easily, i rarely yell. I would have reacted ALOT different if my sister/brother would have taken these issues straight to use instead of bashing us on a public blog. Huck, in your first paragraph you said “that must really suck for you”, maybe i read it wrong but that just sounds extremely insensitive to me. In your second paragraph you wrote “It is not my responsibility to control your feelings” Thank you again for agreeing with me bc that is exactly what I was trying to explain to you. It is not mine, moms, dads, or my brothers responsibility to make you happy or control your feelings. I would NEVER EVER want you to commit suicide and I hate that you have thoughts about it, but we do NOT control that. In your third paragraph, I called you selfish bc in your first letter you wrote that you were upset bc WE didnt initiate the converstaion on THANKSGIVING and your calling me selfish for saying I think you should initiate the conversation. I was making the point that you shouldnt just expect us to come out and talk about it when you yourself never mention it either. I realize this is hard for all of us and a sensitive subject but you have had alot of time to struggle with these feelings and changes on your own before you ever even told us your decision and now you just expect us to be totally accepting and do things we do not agree with. I do admit I have never talked to you about this before and I apologize but that does not mean I am unwilling to listen. I am ready, lets talk. However, just bc we talk does not mean i will call you he and by your chosen name, however, i will try to understand better. I love you and God loves you. I am not picking and choosing my love with you. My love has not changed for you since Day 1. Seventeen years, my love for you has always been the same and NOTHING could ever change that. We just have a different definition of love. You said in your fifth paragraph that I think poorly of you but that is an assumption bc I do NOT think poorly of you and you have to understand that. In your sixth paragraph, you said that we ran and you did not push, but I would have to strongly disagree with that statement. In your seventh message you said “why did you never send me a message?” I did not send you a message bc it is not a problem or struggle for me to talk about it with you. Whether you tell me more about it or dont, that still does not change my love for you. I was under the impression that we were just going to look past it. You never told me it was that important to you to talk about it and that is why i did not message you or call you. You also said “why are you so hostile?” I am not hostile but I did act out of anger and I apologize, but you kinda did bash my family on a public blog without confronting them about any of that first. You also said, “you blame me” but honestly Huck, I dont. I was making a point. You blame so much on the family and how we act like you expect us to be perfect. Sometimes you have to analyze yourself and your actions and the concequences of your actions. I hope we are able to talk about this soon. I just really want yall to stop for a second and put yourself in our shoes, as your family and as of nontransgender people. I will listen but you have to talk in order for me to listen. I love you whether you believe it or not. Hope this cleared up some things for you, Huck, and all the other readers.
With love,
Sister
To Huck’s Roomate-
Thank you. Thank you so very much for that. That is the nicest perspective anyone has ever put it in for me. I needed to hear that and I think I will print that out and read that constantly to remind myself. It sounds exactly like something I would say to someone going through this. Thank you, truely and genuinely. You do not know how much that meant to me and how much I appreciate your kindness and optimism. Everything you said was so true, there is not one single thing I could or want to argue with. Thank you also for being empathic towards me and what I am struggling with, I think you are one of the first people to be empathic towards our feeling instead of targeting us as the bad guys. Thank you, I really can not say it enough. I want to move forward and I too, hope that as a family we will.
Love
Sister
Sister,
Thanks for apologizing for getting angry. I think you are the first of the family to do that, honestly, and I appreciate it. Also thanks for clarifying about the “broken family” part. You may not think that I stop and realize that you all are hurting, but I do think about that every day. I have been thinking about that since I thought about the idea of coming out. I knew I would run risk of loosing all of you, and that is why it took me so long to ever say anything.
You are right, our definition of love and respect is different. I have never said you have to agree with me or understand me. I NEVER said that. My definition of love says this: even though I highly disagree with and do not believe in the fact that you do mission trips, I still love you. It means that even though I fundamentally disagree with things that are very important in your life, I will still support you in them because I see that they make you happy and I love you. By my definition, even though you fundamentally disagree with me being transgender and do not understand it, if you truly loved me, you would support me because you would see that it makes me happy. I am sorry we have different definitions of love because this will make things very hard for the both of us.
I understand that we are all humans and make mistakes. However, I need to clarify something for you – being transgender is NOT a decision. I would still be transgender if I never told you anything. Like being gay, this is NO choice. The choice is in telling my family or hiding it and lying all my life. I chose to live my truth, no matter how hard it is for you and others, and for that I will not apologize.
You said “…another contradiction. Isnt that exactly what Huck is doing to my parents?” in relation to my girlfriend’s comments. To that I must say “what?”. Being myself is not going against my parents. They may not have expected this, but last I checked, they don’t feel disrespected or unloved merely because I am living my life. I am sorry that it is difficult for them that living my life includes being transgender. Trust me, I would give ANYTHING not to be. ANYTHING.
You are right, I didn’t want to fight at Thanksgiving. Like you, this entry was written in haste with anger and sadness. What I meant, and what I do want, is for you, mom, dad, and our brother to stop pretending like this doesn’t exist and meet me half way. What I feel like (and I understand if you don’t ever get this) is that you are not meeting me halfway with the communication. The only family member who has tried to discuss this with me, no matter how hard it is for both of us, prior to this entry is mom. It’s been nearly a year, and this is the first time you have ever said anything about my transness.
And I am sorry, Sister, but I don’t trust that you would react differently in person. The way you yelled at me through the internet likely wouldn’t have changed in person. I would love to have a loving conversation with you about my identity in person sometime.
And I believe you did not read my entry clearly enough. Again, this was me expressing my feelings, NOT attacking you or anyone else. I will NEVER commit suicide, but that does not change the fact that I have battled with thoughts of suicide and depression for nearly my entire life (because I didn’t know why I was different, and then when I figured out why, I did everything I could to NOT be transgender – other than kill myself which was the last option left when I came out).
I appreciate you saying that we will can talk, and that you will try and understand better. That is all I want right now. I don’t expect you or anyone else in the family to call me by my chosen name or he right now, but I do want you all to realize that it is not easy for me to hear “she”. We are all hurting deeply right now. You all because it’s not easy having a transgender loved one come out, and me because I am saddened that simply hearing “she” and my birth name for one day made me feel like I was being gang-forced back into lying about myself and my identity and my truth. I didn’t say anything at Thanksgiving because I wanted everyone to have a good time, and I wanted to deal will my feelings on my own. But I can’t change the fact that hearing “she” (after nearly a year of being out and happy and finally at peace with myself) hurts me.
I am glad you do not think poorly of me, and I am sorry that I assumed that. I did not realize that you were “under the impression that we were just going to look past it,”. I am sorry I mislead you like that. Unfortunately, this is not something we can all look past. Five, ten years from now, I will not be able to keep being around people that call me “she”. I am patient, but I can’t have anyone come to my wedding that doesn’t fully accept me as a me. I know that is hard to understand now, but that is why I am patient and will wait as long as I can – I just cannot wait forever.
As for “bashing your family on a public blog without confronting them about it first” – that is not true. I have talked to mom consistently since day one. I didn’t know how to start conversations with you or our brother because, like I said before, you didn’t ever reply to my initial messages a year ago. I was simply waiting for you both to have some time, and the willingness to open up. I am sorry, however, that I didn’t try to message you again later.
I don’t blame so much on the family, and I am sorry you feel like that. I don’t expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to be open-minded and willing to understand.
“Sometimes you have to analyze yourself and your actions and the consequences of your actions”. What does this mean?
And again, you don’t live with me so you all don’t see this – but I put myself in your shoes every day. I lived the lie as long as I could for my family as nontransgender people, and trust me when I say that it was coming out and being myself or death. I am sorry if that is harsh, but it is what I went through and how much internal struggle I had with telling you.
I love you too, Sister, and I hope one day we can get to an understanding of each other.
With love,
Huck
to Huck’s sister–
I, too, must apologize for posting my gut reaction, in anger and sadness at reading your initial comments. I am sorry that you misunderstood my post. Please understand, I did not mean to be so attacking: I guess my emotions showed through my writing more than I meant them to. I was trying to say some of the things that Huck’s roommate put so eloquently, but it just came out wrong.
You’re right, I don’t know you, and I wasn’t there. I’m glad to hear your side of the story about Thanksgiving as well. When I said that, to me, loving is acceptance and understanding, I didn’t so much mean you had to “agree” with Huck as doing what you say you are doing (in the Christian sense), of loving the sinner and not the sin. Like Huck’s roommate said, you can choose to move forward and love fiercely, working through the hard stuff. Total compliance with something you believe is wrong is not required to love Huck, that’s not what I meant. But, as with any difficult topic, there is compromise involved. Although the posts between you and Huck are heartbreaking, it’s clear that you have love for him and for your family, and that is uplifting.
Huck’s roommate said everything best.
Huck’s Girlfriend
I’m sorry I’ve got nothing better to say, but thanks for sharing this.
It’s weird how those grating pronouns work. They seem to hurt the most when you’re most assertive of your identy. Huck, you’ve heard “she” before, but they didn’t make you want to die back then (when you presented as female-looking), right? Not saying you’re crazy now, just trying to bring a little more clarity so you’ll make it through the dark nights.
For me, hearing the wrong ones all my life was always sad, but after I started wearing gender markings, they became much worse, often wrecking the entire day and night. During a period when I had “given up” they were still sad, maybe ruining the next hour or so, but then when I started really asserting my identity again they became totally disruptive again. I got one recently and it made me want to die. I have to think clearly on my own history and my own situation and remember that those words weren’t always the bombs and daggers that they are to me today.
These comments were a powerful, moving exchange to read. Thank you, Sister and Huck.