As for the sex-negative: note how her homepage URL flashes when she says those things. She’s been sex-positive so many times.

For me, hearing the wrong ones all my life was always sad, but after I started wearing gender markings, they became much worse, often wrecking the entire day and night. During a period when I had “given up” they were still sad, maybe ruining the next hour or so, but then when I started really asserting my identity again they became totally disruptive again. I got one recently and it made me want to die. I have to think clearly on my own history and my own situation and remember that those words weren’t always the bombs and daggers that they are to me today.

These comments were a powerful, moving exchange to read. Thank you, Sister and Huck.

Calling out specific persons as cis or not is dangerous to them and to those close to them: they might be stealth trans (post living), or they might be thinking about a trans identity of their own and whether or not they should go down that road, or, singling out someone as cis implies that others nearby might not be, thus outing them.

In short, saying “You are cis” implies that you know a hell of a lot of very personal things about that person.

Again, not big issues for those out and proud, but could be touchy stuff for others.

Speaking of the cis experience in general, though, and the structures and misogyny in our society, is necessary and it’s good that our language is growing to allow that. I love the words cis-sexual and cisgender.

A few people have had the courage enough to out themselves, or been unlucky enough to have been outed very publically as Calpernia was in the 1990s, losing their own identity as stealth but gaining a voice.

Some of these people are jerks, some are heroes and some are a bit of both. We who still have our hope for keeping stealth are kind of biting our tongue when we here others speak about our situation. I disagree with points that other transsexuals make about almost everything.

Personally, I don’t see how Calpernia in this particular video mentions non-transsexual trannies except in the part where she tells the story about someone asking her derisively if she is a “trannie”, and as I interpret the situation, her ire is directed with how the asker seemingly undermines her identity and femininity. Again, I’m privileged in some ways too (but I’ve been through more than my share of bad blood) but I’m happy that some people, like Andrea James and Calpernia Addams, are at least trying to stand up for our community, even if I often disagree with specific opinions and sentiments.

Remember that Calpernia Addams has a history as a showgirl, as a performer. What’s your thoughts on their short video, Transproofed, about drag vs drab? It seems to be affirming to both camps.

You’re right, I don’t know you, and I wasn’t there. I’m glad to hear your side of the story about Thanksgiving as well. When I said that, to me, loving is acceptance and understanding, I didn’t so much mean you had to “agree” with Huck as doing what you say you are doing (in the Christian sense), of loving the sinner and not the sin. Like Huck’s roommate said, you can choose to move forward and love fiercely, working through the hard stuff. Total compliance with something you believe is wrong is not required to love Huck, that’s not what I meant. But, as with any difficult topic, there is compromise involved. Although the posts between you and Huck are heartbreaking, it’s clear that you have love for him and for your family, and that is uplifting.

Huck’s roommate said everything best.

Huck’s Girlfriend

Thanks for apologizing for getting angry. I think you are the first of the family to do that, honestly, and I appreciate it. Also thanks for clarifying about the “broken family” part. You may not think that I stop and realize that you all are hurting, but I do think about that every day. I have been thinking about that since I thought about the idea of coming out. I knew I would run risk of loosing all of you, and that is why it took me so long to ever say anything.

You are right, our definition of love and respect is different. I have never said you have to agree with me or understand me. I NEVER said that. My definition of love says this: even though I highly disagree with and do not believe in the fact that you do mission trips, I still love you. It means that even though I fundamentally disagree with things that are very important in your life, I will still support you in them because I see that they make you happy and I love you. By my definition, even though you fundamentally disagree with me being transgender and do not understand it, if you truly loved me, you would support me because you would see that it makes me happy. I am sorry we have different definitions of love because this will make things very hard for the both of us.

I understand that we are all humans and make mistakes. However, I need to clarify something for you – being transgender is NOT a decision. I would still be transgender if I never told you anything. Like being gay, this is NO choice. The choice is in telling my family or hiding it and lying all my life. I chose to live my truth, no matter how hard it is for you and others, and for that I will not apologize.

You said “…another contradiction. Isnt that exactly what Huck is doing to my parents?” in relation to my girlfriend’s comments. To that I must say “what?”. Being myself is not going against my parents. They may not have expected this, but last I checked, they don’t feel disrespected or unloved merely because I am living my life. I am sorry that it is difficult for them that living my life includes being transgender. Trust me, I would give ANYTHING not to be. ANYTHING.

You are right, I didn’t want to fight at Thanksgiving. Like you, this entry was written in haste with anger and sadness. What I meant, and what I do want, is for you, mom, dad, and our brother to stop pretending like this doesn’t exist and meet me half way. What I feel like (and I understand if you don’t ever get this) is that you are not meeting me halfway with the communication. The only family member who has tried to discuss this with me, no matter how hard it is for both of us, prior to this entry is mom. It’s been nearly a year, and this is the first time you have ever said anything about my transness.

And I am sorry, Sister, but I don’t trust that you would react differently in person. The way you yelled at me through the internet likely wouldn’t have changed in person. I would love to have a loving conversation with you about my identity in person sometime.

And I believe you did not read my entry clearly enough. Again, this was me expressing my feelings, NOT attacking you or anyone else. I will NEVER commit suicide, but that does not change the fact that I have battled with thoughts of suicide and depression for nearly my entire life (because I didn’t know why I was different, and then when I figured out why, I did everything I could to NOT be transgender – other than kill myself which was the last option left when I came out).

I appreciate you saying that we will can talk, and that you will try and understand better. That is all I want right now. I don’t expect you or anyone else in the family to call me by my chosen name or he right now, but I do want you all to realize that it is not easy for me to hear “she”. We are all hurting deeply right now. You all because it’s not easy having a transgender loved one come out, and me because I am saddened that simply hearing “she” and my birth name for one day made me feel like I was being gang-forced back into lying about myself and my identity and my truth. I didn’t say anything at Thanksgiving because I wanted everyone to have a good time, and I wanted to deal will my feelings on my own. But I can’t change the fact that hearing “she” (after nearly a year of being out and happy and finally at peace with myself) hurts me.

I am glad you do not think poorly of me, and I am sorry that I assumed that. I did not realize that you were “under the impression that we were just going to look past it,”. I am sorry I mislead you like that. Unfortunately, this is not something we can all look past. Five, ten years from now, I will not be able to keep being around people that call me “she”. I am patient, but I can’t have anyone come to my wedding that doesn’t fully accept me as a me. I know that is hard to understand now, but that is why I am patient and will wait as long as I can – I just cannot wait forever.

As for “bashing your family on a public blog without confronting them about it first” – that is not true. I have talked to mom consistently since day one. I didn’t know how to start conversations with you or our brother because, like I said before, you didn’t ever reply to my initial messages a year ago. I was simply waiting for you both to have some time, and the willingness to open up. I am sorry, however, that I didn’t try to message you again later.

I don’t blame so much on the family, and I am sorry you feel like that. I don’t expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to be open-minded and willing to understand.

“Sometimes you have to analyze yourself and your actions and the consequences of your actions”. What does this mean?

And again, you don’t live with me so you all don’t see this – but I put myself in your shoes every day. I lived the lie as long as I could for my family as nontransgender people, and trust me when I say that it was coming out and being myself or death. I am sorry if that is harsh, but it is what I went through and how much internal struggle I had with telling you.

I love you too, Sister, and I hope one day we can get to an understanding of each other.

With love,
Huck