Gendersaurus Rex

Today marks my 8th month on testosterone. I realize I have been slacking on updating and missed the 7th month update. Sorry for that! I have lots to talk about and catch everyone up on, so expect a few posts over the next week or so.

Not much has changed physically in the past two months. My facial hair is thickening but still very much “peach fuzz” (except for my little mustache). I shave more frequently than before, as the hair is coming in slightly thicker. Speaking of hair, my chest is getting a bit of hair on it to add to the happy trail that I have.

My voice has leveled out a lot and now sounds naturally deep. Occasionally it will drop a bit, but it happens less frequently than it used to.

I get gendered correctly 99.9% of the time now, and use the correct bathroom with ease and no fear. It’s pretty freaking wonderful.

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This is a wonderful spoken word piece about being transgender. I really liked the way it was executed and I feel like I can relate to this piece quite a lot. I wanted to share it with you all because I think it really captures the internal struggle feeling that I felt for years and years. Enjoy.

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A few days ago I read an article entitled “Is Cis A Dis? And other aircastles to the storm..” by the blogger over at Femmeessay. The article was a good analysis of whether or not “cis” is an offensive term or not (I think it is important to know that the writer is cis).

For some reason unknonwn to me, the entirety of Femmeessay has been deleted (maybe it was the comment storm/fail that happened in the post? or maybe a wordpress fail?). At any rate, it is still technically up, all you have to do is Google the article title and click “Cache” under the link. Google keeps images of everything on their server, so nothing deletes automatically.

I originally had reposted this article, but have since taken it down. If you are “Woman” from Femmeessay please contact me.

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A recent conversation in a quaint coffee shop has led me to write this entry. Appropriately titled, this entry will be a mini-discussion of things I did not know going into physical transition.

I feel like the most underestimated part of transition is the process of adjustment that I went through. Naturally, if your body is changing, you have to adjust. However, its not that simple. When I finally came out, I had to adjust to hearing my “new name” called. The sound of it, lingering the air was foreign, yet welcome. After twenty years of being called a variety of names that never fit, I got used to the sensation of being at odds with my name. In short, hearing the name that I wanted to be called aloud was so right it was uncomfortable.

Similarly, starting Testosterone has created a whole new odd experience. I absolutely love the way in which my body is changing and has changed. However, it has taken me until recently to adjust to seeing myself in the mirror – myself the way I always envisioned, but never saw reflected. Again, I was used to seeing an image I was at odds with, and having my body reflect myself finally was almost dreamlike for a long time. Now, when I look in the mirror, or glance at myself while walking past a store window, I am not jolted by seeing me but rather sure that the reflection is indeed me (and not simply my imagination anymore).

My relationship with whether or not to come out, be out, or opt for stealth-ness has shifted a lot recently. For instance, in situations where I am a patient in a hospital, I am less willing to be out than when I am training doctors in a transgender healthcare workshop. Unfortunately, I have to be out in patient-doctor situations for the mere fact that they always ask that fucking question of “When was the last day of your menstrual cycle?” to which I have to answer “Oh lord… February?”. To which they ask why, and I reply with being on T, to which they ask why again… and you know. I could make up some bullshit, but I’d rather just tell them that I am transgender and deal with the fall out or affirming relationship accordingly.

I have no regrets, but I certainly do not think that I realized how complicated things could be after being on T for a while and passing consistently. Pre-T, I was very visibly genderqueer, so people weren’t surprised when they found out my government assigned gender via the name on my card when paying for food, or the “F” on my records at school, or the medical history in my records at the doctor office – probably partially because it answered the “which pronoun should I use?” question for them. Having quite the girly birthname has thrown up more road blocks and awkward moments than I ever anticipated it would. I certainly do not have the means to change my gender marker on my government documents, and I am not sure if I even want to either, but as soon as I get dropped from my parent’s insurance (December) I am putting in my name change so I can put a stop to having to explain things when people give me that “what?” look after reading “GIRLYmcGIRLYFACE” on my IDs and records. Honestly, I am okay with being trans and I am okay with being out, but sometimes I just want to pay for a fucking meal without having to deal with some phobic bullshit.

Oh, and didn’t anticipate sometimes missing being a girl. I am so much happier now, with me being me, but sometimes I miss my years as a femme-y girl in the similar way that I miss being in the symphony. I never thought I would, but the nostalgia is really okay.

If you have anything that you think you didn’t know or anticipate about coming out/beginning physical or social transition, feel free to leave your story in the comments. I am interested to hear what others have experienced too.

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So I have been bit behind on the news since taking a brief hiatus from this site. However, for those of you that don’t know this already, a gender identity & presentation inclusive ENDA was introduced into the Senate for the first time on August 5th. Yay! For more information, you can catch up on the news here.

I recently attended the Equality Federation Summer Conference, and had the wonderful opportunity of meeting Mara Keisling (the Executive Director for The National Center for Transgender Equality). My roommate for the conference, Shaun Fetman, runs a YouTube channel (snipncody) about gender related things. While at the conference, he interviewed Mara about ENDA. This video is a great ENDA refresher, and defiantly worth watching.

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Whooohoooo! Half a year! Yay! Actually it was 6 months as of the 13th, but now it’s 6 months and one day. Things have been great, and there have been some significant small changes since last month. In particular, my arm muscles have gotten HUGE (without working out). I’ve started an upper body work out regimen which seems to do some wonderful things for my self image, emotional health, and physical health. It’s been nice. My hands have also gotten bigger – something I only discovered when I tried to slide on a old bracelet and found that it didn’t fit over my hands. Over the last week I have sprouted two dark chin hairs. I still have the “dirt stash” that I shave off pretty regularly because I feel like it’s pretty creepy looking, but lately I have left it just to see how thick it will get before I can’t tolerate it anymore. My acne is finally manageable with lots of washing.

I feel like Pre-T to this point has been some pretty drastic physical, emotional, and societal changes, but for the most part all have been really wonderful. I use the “Male” bathroom 100% of the time, and pass pretty consistently (though restaurants are still a big pain in my ass). I feel like I am finally getting over the “walking the gender line” hump, which makes me feel much more secure about my safety and emotional health. I am finally beginning to have my body the way it should be, which is great!

Now, for some 6 months pictures:

I am not pissed off, it was just really sunny outside.

This last photo is my favorite. I have finally purged my closet of most of clothes I inherited from my brother that I have now outgrown (my shoulders have gotten too broad for men’s smalls), which means I can start buying clothes that are actually my style. Yay!

Later, I will post a photo series of Pre-T to now photos so you can see the physical changes a bit more clearly.

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Hiatus over. Expect a few entries today.

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I apologize for the recent lull in my posting. Life has hit me pretty hard. I am working on several different drafts for posts, so be expecting to see something soon.

Thanks for bearing with me!

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TGEU & Liminalis Press Release:

Every 3rd day the murder of a trans person is reported:

Trans Murder Monitoring Project reveals more than 200 reported murders of trans persons in the last 1 1/2 years

In April 2009 the international NGO Transgender Europe (TGEU) in cooperation with the multilingual Online-Magazine “Liminalis — A Journal for Sex/Gender Emancipation and Resistance” started a new project, the /Trans Murder Monitoring Project/, which focuses on systematically reporting murdered trans people on a worldwide scale.

The very preliminary results of the first step of this project have revealed a total of 204 cases of reported murders of trans people world wide in the last 1 1/2 years. 121 cases of murdered trans people have been reported in 2008. From January to June 2009 already 83 cases of murdered trans people have been reported.

Furthermore, the preliminary results show an increase in the number of reports of murdered trans people over the last years. Since the beginning of 2008 the murder of a trans person is reported every third day, on average.

The cases have been reported from all six World regions: North America, Latin America, Europe, Africa, Asia, and Oceania. The majority of cases have been reported from Latin America and North America. On these continents the majority of cases have been reported from Brazil (59) and the U.S.A. (16) for 2008 and from Brazil (23), Venezuela (20), and Guatemala (10) for the first six months of 2009. Moreover, the preliminary results show a total of 11 murdered trans people reported for Colombia followed by 5 for Honduras and 4 for Mexico and Venezuela for 2008, and 6 for Mexico and 3 for Argentina, and the Dominican Republic for the first six months of 2009.

In total 91 murders of trans people were reported in 11 Latin American countries in 2008, and 73 murders of trans people in 11 Latin American countries in the first six months of 2009. The reported murders of trans people in Latin America account for 75% and 88% of the world wide reported murders of trans people in 2008 and the first six months of 2009 respectively.**

The preliminary results also reveal that murders of trans people have been reported in 5 European countries in 2008 (Germany, Italy, Portugal, Spain, and Turkey) and in 4 European countries (Russia, Serbia, Spain, Turkey) in the first six months of 2009. In Asia murders of trans people were reported for Iraq, Malaysia, and Singapore in 2008, and for India in the first six months of 2009. In Oceania murders of trans people were reported for Australia in 2008, and for New Zealand in the first six months of 2009. In total the preliminary results show reports of murdered trans people in 22 countries in 2008, and in 17 countries in the first six months of 2009.

The preliminary results furthermore reveal some terrifying details on the nature of these crimes. The data shows that in 2008 six of the victims were minors and in the first six months of 2009 three minors were among the victims. One of these minors, 15 year-old Leticia King from Oxnard (USA), was shot twice in the head by a classmate in front of the whole class. Apart from these brutal murders, 5 of the reported murdered trans persons in 2008 were found tortured or dismembered, 2 were shot by retired policemen, and 3 were executed in police stations. 5 of the reported murdered trans persons were found tortured or dismembered in the first six months of 2009.

The preliminary results of TGEU’s and Liminalis’ Trans Murder Monitoring project are presented in form of a report, tables, name lists, and maps in the new issue of Liminalis (www.liminalis.de/project.html) in English, Spanish, and German.

Here are the direct links to the PDFs of the report and its component parts:
Report
Name list 2008
Name list January-June 2009
Tables 2008
Tables January-June 2009
Map 2008
Map January-June 2009

Cross posted at: Questioning Transphobia and Bird of Paradox.

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So today marks my 5th Month on T. I went in for my blood work check up last week, and I haven’t gotten the results back, but I am sure they will come out fine. I’ll let you all know when I get the results back though.

Changes in the past month are really slight:

1. Voice – Pretty much stable. 5 Months On T

2. Hair – Getting darker body hair and portions of it are getting longer. I’m not too keen on having tons of body hair, and I have decided that if I sprout chest hair, I will shave that shit off.

3. Muscles – Seem to get pretty achy the day/night before I do my shot. Weird..

Now for some pictures!

I hope everyone is doing well out there!

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