Gendersaurus Rex

I finally got my confirmation letter from the newspaper in the mail, so the next day I headed to my county courthouse to make an appointment with the judge I was originally assigned.

The majority of this process was spent standing in lines. As soon as I spoke to the cashier and showed her the letter, she photocopied it, then sent me up to see the Calendar Clerk for my judge. I waited outside of her door for thirty minutes or so before working up the nerve to knock. Once she opened the door our conversation went like this:
Clerk: “Yes?”
Me: “I need to make an appointment with the judge.”
Clerk: “For what?”
Me: “Court.”
Clerk: “For. what.?”
Me: “A name change.”
Clerk: “Oh okay.”

I then walked in, told her my case number, and she opened up her calendar and said, “Okay, your appointment is January 21st at 8:30am”. She then proceeded to tell me about the process (show up with all the paperwork, sit in line, you’ll be called in one by one, and bring extra cash for multiple copies).

So, with all luck, I’ll have my name changed officially on January 21st of 2010!

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So I think its time that I start planning for chest surgery. I’d like to go ahead and “get it out of the way” so to speak. Especially since I am thinking about graduate school in the near future (and taking time off from grad school would not work out very well). Dually, I have accepted the fact that I don’t have bad credit, nor do I have a lot of debt, and it would not kill me to put the surgery costs on CareCredit (a medical credit card). I was wary of making such a leap into debt, but I feel like it would be a manageable debt to take, especially when I have the means to pay it off.

There are some things I need to figure out. First of all I need to think realistically about the timing. I highly doubt my parents would want to be present (if they didn’t want to come to my graduation, why would they come to this?), so I am looking for reliable friends that could take off a week from work/school/life to travel with me to the surgeon, see me through the process, and the first week of recovery on site. After a week, I am free to go home, but will still be unable to work for another two weeks or so. Which means, I need to make sure my work will let me take that much time off. Naturally, its going to be unpaid, but last I checked, they couldn’t fire me for having to take medical leave (especially if I get a letter from the surgeon and give them extreme advance notice).

FAMILY AND MEDICAL LEAVE ACT (GEORGIA)

The FMLA requires that employers with 50 or more employees, who are employed within a 75 mile radius, provide eligible employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave each year to care for a newborn or newly adopted or foster child; to care for a seriously ill child, spouse or parent; or because of the employee’s own illness. Employers may, under certain circumstances, require employees to take unpaid FMLA leave rather than accrued paid leave. It is, however, always the employer’s responsibility to designate whether an employee’s use of paid leave counts as FMLA leave, based on information provided by the employee and it is the employer’s responsibility to notify the employee of this designation.

I am also going to start stockpiling a lot of money, and working on making sure I have a buffer for funds in terms of rent/food/bills. Once my name change goes through, I’ll apply for the credit card, apply for EBT, and start locking down details on a potential surgery date.

I still feel like some kind of fluke will come up and everything will fall apart, but if I don’t try now, then I’ll never get it done.

Oh, and I think I have decided on going to Dr. Charles Garramone in South Florida. I like his results, I like his reputation of good care (friendliness, check up quality, ect), and I like his price – only $5,700 for all the fees.

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On September 28th, I filed my official name change documents with the courts. I showed up to the county courthouse, had to purchase the packet of forms (since my printer isn’t working), sat on the steps and filled them out, then took them to point A, B, and C and paid money for processing and publication. It took longer to complete the process than I thought it would, but for the most part, it was relatively easy.

Now I just wait 4-6 weeks and then I go appear in court before a judge, and (hopefully) my name will be officially changed. I am really nervous that something is going to screw up, and it won’t get approved. However, I do know other people that have filed for a name change in this district (and were trans) and got it approved by using the same reason I put down on the form. If you didn’t know already, the form requires you to give a “reason” for why you are changing your name. To avoid transphobic bullshit, its reccomended that you do not write down “because I am transgender” on the form (not to mention, that bit of information likely would be published in the paper right alongside your intentions to change your name). Thus, the majority of transgender people I know have had to come up with reasons that were equally valid and not suspicious. I chose to use “common usage” as my reason because it’s true. I am changing my name from my birth name to a name everyone knows me by (except my parents and siblings). I meet new people and that is the only name they associate with me. I use that name on every form (even job applications) unless the form asks for my social security number (in which case I legally must put my birth name).

I am still waiting… but once I receive the newspaper clipping in the mail, I have to go back to the courts, get a court date, and then show up before a judge to get the final approval. If its approved then, I recieved a notarized court document that states my name has legally be changed, and then I start the process of calling schools, banks, creditors, social security, my birth state, and everywhere else that my legal name is published, to get it changed over.

I went ahead and put in my name change because I realized that I want to apply for graduate school, and I do not want to apply for graduate school with my birth name. Dually I haven’t recieved my BA from my undergraduate university, and it would nice to have them not have to reprint it once I proceeded with a legal name change post-graduation.

I am tired of stalling certain aspects of my transition for others, especially when they are holding me behind in life. Its time to just do the changes that will make me happy, and hope that everyone adjusts to it in their own time. I can’t dictate my life around others anymore.

And coming to this decision, has been really difficult for me, but its about time.

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Today marks my 8th month on testosterone. I realize I have been slacking on updating and missed the 7th month update. Sorry for that! I have lots to talk about and catch everyone up on, so expect a few posts over the next week or so.

Not much has changed physically in the past two months. My facial hair is thickening but still very much “peach fuzz” (except for my little mustache). I shave more frequently than before, as the hair is coming in slightly thicker. Speaking of hair, my chest is getting a bit of hair on it to add to the happy trail that I have.

My voice has leveled out a lot and now sounds naturally deep. Occasionally it will drop a bit, but it happens less frequently than it used to.

I get gendered correctly 99.9% of the time now, and use the correct bathroom with ease and no fear. It’s pretty freaking wonderful.

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This is a wonderful spoken word piece about being transgender. I really liked the way it was executed and I feel like I can relate to this piece quite a lot. I wanted to share it with you all because I think it really captures the internal struggle feeling that I felt for years and years. Enjoy.

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A few days ago I read an article entitled “Is Cis A Dis? And other aircastles to the storm..” by the blogger over at Femmeessay. The article was a good analysis of whether or not “cis” is an offensive term or not (I think it is important to know that the writer is cis).

For some reason unknonwn to me, the entirety of Femmeessay has been deleted (maybe it was the comment storm/fail that happened in the post? or maybe a wordpress fail?). At any rate, it is still technically up, all you have to do is Google the article title and click “Cache” under the link. Google keeps images of everything on their server, so nothing deletes automatically.

I originally had reposted this article, but have since taken it down. If you are “Woman” from Femmeessay please contact me.

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A recent conversation in a quaint coffee shop has led me to write this entry. Appropriately titled, this entry will be a mini-discussion of things I did not know going into physical transition.

I feel like the most underestimated part of transition is the process of adjustment that I went through. Naturally, if your body is changing, you have to adjust. However, its not that simple. When I finally came out, I had to adjust to hearing my “new name” called. The sound of it, lingering the air was foreign, yet welcome. After twenty years of being called a variety of names that never fit, I got used to the sensation of being at odds with my name. In short, hearing the name that I wanted to be called aloud was so right it was uncomfortable.

Similarly, starting Testosterone has created a whole new odd experience. I absolutely love the way in which my body is changing and has changed. However, it has taken me until recently to adjust to seeing myself in the mirror – myself the way I always envisioned, but never saw reflected. Again, I was used to seeing an image I was at odds with, and having my body reflect myself finally was almost dreamlike for a long time. Now, when I look in the mirror, or glance at myself while walking past a store window, I am not jolted by seeing me but rather sure that the reflection is indeed me (and not simply my imagination anymore).

My relationship with whether or not to come out, be out, or opt for stealth-ness has shifted a lot recently. For instance, in situations where I am a patient in a hospital, I am less willing to be out than when I am training doctors in a transgender healthcare workshop. Unfortunately, I have to be out in patient-doctor situations for the mere fact that they always ask that fucking question of “When was the last day of your menstrual cycle?” to which I have to answer “Oh lord… February?”. To which they ask why, and I reply with being on T, to which they ask why again… and you know. I could make up some bullshit, but I’d rather just tell them that I am transgender and deal with the fall out or affirming relationship accordingly.

I have no regrets, but I certainly do not think that I realized how complicated things could be after being on T for a while and passing consistently. Pre-T, I was very visibly genderqueer, so people weren’t surprised when they found out my government assigned gender via the name on my card when paying for food, or the “F” on my records at school, or the medical history in my records at the doctor office – probably partially because it answered the “which pronoun should I use?” question for them. Having quite the girly birthname has thrown up more road blocks and awkward moments than I ever anticipated it would. I certainly do not have the means to change my gender marker on my government documents, and I am not sure if I even want to either, but as soon as I get dropped from my parent’s insurance (December) I am putting in my name change so I can put a stop to having to explain things when people give me that “what?” look after reading “GIRLYmcGIRLYFACE” on my IDs and records. Honestly, I am okay with being trans and I am okay with being out, but sometimes I just want to pay for a fucking meal without having to deal with some phobic bullshit.

Oh, and didn’t anticipate sometimes missing being a girl. I am so much happier now, with me being me, but sometimes I miss my years as a femme-y girl in the similar way that I miss being in the symphony. I never thought I would, but the nostalgia is really okay.

If you have anything that you think you didn’t know or anticipate about coming out/beginning physical or social transition, feel free to leave your story in the comments. I am interested to hear what others have experienced too.

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So I have been bit behind on the news since taking a brief hiatus from this site. However, for those of you that don’t know this already, a gender identity & presentation inclusive ENDA was introduced into the Senate for the first time on August 5th. Yay! For more information, you can catch up on the news here.

I recently attended the Equality Federation Summer Conference, and had the wonderful opportunity of meeting Mara Keisling (the Executive Director for The National Center for Transgender Equality). My roommate for the conference, Shaun Fetman, runs a YouTube channel (snipncody) about gender related things. While at the conference, he interviewed Mara about ENDA. This video is a great ENDA refresher, and defiantly worth watching.

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Whooohoooo! Half a year! Yay! Actually it was 6 months as of the 13th, but now it’s 6 months and one day. Things have been great, and there have been some significant small changes since last month. In particular, my arm muscles have gotten HUGE (without working out). I’ve started an upper body work out regimen which seems to do some wonderful things for my self image, emotional health, and physical health. It’s been nice. My hands have also gotten bigger – something I only discovered when I tried to slide on a old bracelet and found that it didn’t fit over my hands. Over the last week I have sprouted two dark chin hairs. I still have the “dirt stash” that I shave off pretty regularly because I feel like it’s pretty creepy looking, but lately I have left it just to see how thick it will get before I can’t tolerate it anymore. My acne is finally manageable with lots of washing.

I feel like Pre-T to this point has been some pretty drastic physical, emotional, and societal changes, but for the most part all have been really wonderful. I use the “Male” bathroom 100% of the time, and pass pretty consistently (though restaurants are still a big pain in my ass). I feel like I am finally getting over the “walking the gender line” hump, which makes me feel much more secure about my safety and emotional health. I am finally beginning to have my body the way it should be, which is great!

Now, for some 6 months pictures:

I am not pissed off, it was just really sunny outside.

This last photo is my favorite. I have finally purged my closet of most of clothes I inherited from my brother that I have now outgrown (my shoulders have gotten too broad for men’s smalls), which means I can start buying clothes that are actually my style. Yay!

Later, I will post a photo series of Pre-T to now photos so you can see the physical changes a bit more clearly.

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Hiatus over. Expect a few entries today.

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